My predictions for culinary trends of 2006
1. Invest in Armour Foods now , folks. Potted Meat Product and Vienna Sausages are going to be the latest diet revolution. The now de riguer Atkins displays of "healthy" Pork Rinds and "No carb" Breyers Triple Oooey Gooey Chocolate Sin Caramel Ribbon Peanut Butter Cup Brownie Ice Cream displays that greet one as you walk into your favorite supermarket will be replaced by trembling pyramids of these miniature canned wonders. This phenomenon will be due to a discovery made by researchers at Tufts University(you know.......the college of choice for all Prevention magazine staffers) that the "Variety meat" ingredient listed on those little blue papered cans is the panacaea for most human ills. Based on the results involving research of a control group of bachelors, rednecks(I'm a redneck so it's perfectly pc for me to utter that), and innocent children who can't read labels yet, Variety meats can cure diabetes, eradicate impotence, enhance the female BIG O, stomp out heart disease, cure male pattern baldness, eliminate female hirsuitism, cure halitosis and irritable bowel syndrome, raise the intelligence level of politicians and Anna Nicole Smith, and wipe away unsightly cellulite and wrinkles and best of all, cause completely healthy weight loss of up to 20 lbs per week with no exercise. I am told, that due to some insider information that both the Sterns and Grampy have received from unnamed sources(hush now, Martha)that both parties plan on coming out with variety meat cookbooks sometime early this spring.
2. Pickled Eggs will become the trendy food of Hollywood films. In our ever increasingly politically correct world and the bowing of the Hollywood studios to pressure to decrease the influence of alcohol and tobacco, the once glamorous martini will be replaced by beet-hued pickled eggs. Instead of "Why don't you have a drink and calm down?" it will be"Why don't you go suck a couple eggs and calm down?" Likewise, celery sticks with peanut butter stuffing and raisins on top will replace the noxious cigarette /and or cigar. In the new James Bond series of films, 007 will no longer gallantly offer to light the heroine of the day's cancer stick, but will offer instead to add a few "ants" to her"log".
3. In a 6.500 page report conducted by the Cladiddlehopper Commission , by the order of President Bush, their findings will show that the Martians, the Soviet Union and the Nestle's Corporation of France DID plant data recording disks for ingestion in all American Swanson TV dinners in the 60's and 87 percent of the US population will be under suspicion for selling state secrets. Stouffer's will corner the frozen dinner market with their "No Disks, No Risks" advertising campaign.
Badda bing, badda boom