A Hot Dog Seller's Story 4

"Gite ure hot doggie American here". Let it be known; there are hot dog stands in the UK. Ok, its official. Now, I have no problem with "elasticating the truth" but English Hot Dog Stands are: 1. never run by anyone who was born and raised in the UK (or Wales or Scotland or N. Ireland). Instead, they are illegal dealers originally from Turkey, Bosnia, Albania (my favorite - loving and violent) Oh, and Kurds from Iraq 2. A potentially dangerous affair (from the vendor) 3. Have nothing to do with hot dogs! You will find them outside of nightclubs...the sweet smell of stewed onions: recipe; cut onions with thick dice/start cooking night before and cook all day/all night. Start process over with left over onions from previous night. Mystery sausages (scary) and obligatory cigarette strategically located right over cooking area (flavoring I assume). They wear lab coats so there may be an association with the medical profession. This remains a mystery. They also don't like competition and in particular, they didn't like me. No kiss, no Christmas prezzies, no "I love you's". Nevermind, the cigarette and mustache puts me off anyways.

Proper hot dogs here come in a can. These are left over from the war (not the hot dogs themselves but the tradition of the can (Ye Olde Traditional American Hot Dogs - this is a real product from a company called Westler's Frankfurters. Yummy! Quickly, name your favorite English Restaurant. Times up. Well, not to worry, I live here and I can't name my favorite English Restaurant either. Fish & Chips (what's that all about?), Spotted Dick.....let the imagination run wild...."anyone up for a second helping of spotted dick?" This is a dessert! Ah, the unforgetable "toad in the hole".....Oh, sorry almost forgot...Marmite, a yeast extract spread! Marmite on toast with a smattering of But-ter. Please try this and tell me: 1. why?! 2. Five good uses of yeast extract that you use in the home. Food just isn't really important here (although the amount of cooking shows would disagree with me). I suppose that's why hot dog stands just don't make sense here. No one here goes looking for "the best darn Cornish Pastie for 50 miles". Mustard is almost the anti-christ. When we offer mustard its usually received as though we'd offered "a little dab of plague for you sir?"

England is expensive. Petrol is $6.00 a gallon. Somehow, in venues I've had the opportunity to work here, I always find the guy who "peeks" over the cart (spontaneous inspection to make sure I'm doing it right.....followed by "ah, no peeking rule in effect here please".....followed by (I'll try and get this right)..Ow much fer one of dem ot ogs,mate (potentially your new friend, best man, long lost buddy, soul mate) £2.50 sir. "What?!!!!! Do you fink I'm a tortist or somefing? )Note: you have probably now lost your new "best friend" . I can get 'em down the shop for 3p". Still, the English have nice buses.

more later

Port of Call---could we put these all in one forum to make it easy to read the whole bunch----???

Crikey, mate! Good stuff, wot.