About this guy Jesus and feeding people

I been reading this book and it seems we've been in trouble for a long time. For instance, I read about this guy called Jesus. Took a couple of fish and a roll, and made a few thousand fish sandwiches. Pretty good trick, right? And apparently, he had a pretty good location. The story goes that thousands were lined up, hungry as be-jeepers. Totally captive audience. So what does the guy do?

Gives them away. And not just that, he had a whole team of people working for him.

Now if you were one of us sitting there slinging dogs, that guy and his bunch of creeps just ruined a day's business. And while there was no mention in this story about his condiments and how he might have dressed them to order with your choice of mustard, catsup, onions, pickles, relish or jalapenos, he didn't even have to upsell with the chili or the kraut. Talk about a ding-dong.

If you ask me, this guy Jesus sounds like a hippie communist.

Me, as a radical libertarian, I'm irked by this. Why couldn't he just have handed out flyers and picked up a bullhorn and attracted some business? I'd have given him a commission and we'd all have made some money. But no. This twad and his crew fed the masses and he didn't even have a health permit. And that's what I call unfair competition. Not anyplace in the story was there mention of a lavatory, a hand-washing sink, and where the heck were the health inspectors on that bright day?

I'll tell you where: lining up for their free fish sandwich, that's where. Yup. And he didn't do it alone, he had a whole gang with him. And he had a rap that proved irresistible. Forget about condiments, this guy had the audacity to say if you accepted his "message" (read fish sandwich), you got ETERNAL LIFE AND FORGIVENESS OF SINS.

Now never in my life would I have thought this would sell. You could knock me over with a feather, but the public bought it. And what pisses me of the most is the guy didn't even put out a tip-jar.

I have to say, I wouldn't mind trying one of the fish sandwiches. Gotta know what the competition is serving, right?

But ever since, I can't stop thinking about him. It's like I hate this guy, but I want to emulate him. It's enough to drive me crazy.

So I started looking for a way to take him down. Reported him to the authorities, and what do you thing happened?

Take this dude Zacheus, the worst bastard health inspector you ever saw. I reported Jesus to Zacheus and what do you suppose happened? Jesus took him home for dinner! And Zacheus got on his side!

Well, this guy Jesus obviously was a social climber, and you know how that goes. He eventually got flipped over by a jealous competitor and he had a pretty bad end. Got served with a cease and desist and they smacked him around pretty bad. Got his permits pulled, the works. I heard lots of people tried to pick up the franchise, but they can't deliver the product in any serious way. Some people swear they can cook it, but it seems to be a home-cooked meal. Except for that one day in recorded history. And how he took care of his product handling. He only had to keep a single fish at temperature and one single loaf of bread.

I'm like, that is so totally unfair to the rest of us food vendors, but I sure would like to know how he did it and what made his fish sandwiches so good. And if one of us finds out, I know how that one goes. Be it a long time or a short time, we'll find out. One of you will. And you will share this recipe with us. You will because you peopel can't keep secrets to save your own lives. As vendors, we're all in this together.

I bet Chicago knows, he's just preserving a tactical advantage.

HUH?....................


I didnt know this was a religous forum.
Personally, I think this thread should be locked before it gets ugly, and the OP should reconsider about posting his religous thoughts on a FOOD forum.
Hellooooooo............ ????????????????????
I mean, it seems that OZ has read the Bible and is applying things to modern life, but.............
Just seems like a touchy subject to me.

Hello All,
OzDogs, I love you, man. I love your mind, your sense of humour, and your soul.
Wonderful thread, but I am sure it will be moved to the dumpster Misc. Section.
Thank you, and Merry Easter.
Take Care,
Fieldthistle

Roossy, chill. It was posted April 1st and it was some pretty good tounge in cheek humor.

FT, you're right, headed straight to the misc forum.

OzDog, funny stuff man.


MikeS.

You get an A+ in English composition. Nice read. Took a subject, jumped out of the box & related it to the website. Good job.

Thanks, John Prine...

Jesus.... the missing years

It was raining. it was cold
West bethlehem was no place for a twelve year old
So he packed his bags and he headed out
To find out what the worlds about
He went to france. he went to spain
He found love. he found pain.
He found stores so he started to shop
But he had no money so he got in trouble with a cop
Kids in trouble with the cops
From israel didnt have no home
So he cut his hair and moved to rome
It was there he met his irish bride
And they rented a flat on the lower east side of rome...
Italy that is
Music publishers, book binders, Bible belters, money changers,
Spoon benders and lots of pretty italian chicks.

Chorus:
Charley bought some popcorn
Billy bought a car
Someone almost bought the farm
But they didnt go that far
Things shut down at midnight
At least around here they do
Cause we all reside down the block
Inside at ....23 skidoo.

Wine was flowing so were beers
So jesus found his missing years
So he went to a dance and said this dont move me
He hiked up his pants and he went to a movie
On his thirteenth birthday he saw rebel without a cause
He went straight on home and invented santa claus
Who gave him a gift and he responded in kind
He gave the gift of love and went out of his mind
You see him and the wife wasnt getting along
So he took out his guitar and he wrote a song
Called the dove of love fell off the perch
But he couldnt get divorced in the catholic church
At least not back then anyhow
Jesus was a good guy he didnt need this ****
So he took a pill with a bag of peanuts and
A coca-cola and he swallowed it.
He discovered the beatles
And he recorded with the stones
Once he even opened up a three-way package
In southern california for old george jones

Repeat chorus:

The years went by like sweet little days
With babies crying pork chops and beaujolais
When he woke up he was seventeen
The world was angry. the world was mean.
Why the man down the street and the kid on the stoop
All agreed that life stank. all the world smelled like poop
Baby poop that is ..the worst kind
So he grew his hair long and thew away his comb
And headed back to jerusalem to find mom, dad and home
But when he got there the cupboard was bare
Except for an old black man with a fishing rod
He said whatcha gonna be when you grow up?
Jesus said god
Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into?
Im a human corkscrew and all my wine is blood
Theyre gonna kill me mama. they dont like me bud.
So jesus went to heaven and he went there awful quick
All them people killed him and he wasnt even sick
So come and gather around me my contemporary peers
And Ill tell you all the story of
Jesus...the missing years

Repeat chorus:

We all reside down the block
Inside at ....23 skidoo.

It didnt take long for Roosey to come out of her self imposed exile!

This Jesus you refer to. Do you mean my gardener?

quote:

Originally posted by MikeS.

Roossy, chill. It was posted April 1st and it was some pretty good tounge in cheek humor.

FT, you're right, headed straight to the misc forum.

OzDog, funny stuff man.


MikeS.

I am soooooooooooooooooooo gullible...
Second time someone got me....

quote:

Originally posted by roossy90

quote:

Originally posted by MikeS.

Roossy, chill. It was posted April 1st and it was some pretty good tounge in cheek humor.

FT, you're right, headed straight to the misc forum.

OzDog, funny stuff man.


MikeS.

I am soooooooooooooooooooo gullible...
Second time someone got me....

Hook, line and sinker

you know, being a born again Christian I was shocked, but couldn't stop chuckling at the same time. I din't get upset, just .... curious. I loved the sarcasm. oh and enginecapt regarding your gardner: too funny!!

Truth be told, my gardener is named Issa and he's from Ghana, but I exercised comedic license and lied.

Roossy90,
Hope my confession makes you feel better. I read most of the first paragraph and moved on to something else. STILL have't read anymore of it, don't intend to do so.

Hey, you and I have something in common .That's exactly the way I feel about the Bible.

(If you can thread crap, why shouldn't I?)

enginecapt,
this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Hey enginecapt, did you ever hear that some Hindus and Buddhists think they met Jesus way back? The call him Saint Issa. Clearly there is more to your gardener than meets the eye. If I were you I'd give him a raise and be very, very nice to him. Of course, if I were you, I'd hand him a dead plant with a nonchalant look and just kind of wait and see what happens. "My sister-in-law gave me this" I'd say. "Maybe you can do something with it".

Mosca, did you write that song? That is fantastic! I mean like mindblowing! I'd really like to hear it sung!

Chicago, as usual, you got me ROTFL. Feeding frenzy. Hooooooo-boy. *wipes tears from eyes* Hooooooo-boy. Makes me think about the lost tribes. We didn't get lost, they ditched us. Sent us on a snipe hunt. Quick, they're looking the other way, CHEESE IT!

naxet76 and Christians, no offense was intended. I do apologize. I ain't nothin but a devil-dog-slingin, pistol-packin sinner. Lord knows. "Christians aren't perfect" they say, "just forgiven". My response is "Christians are forgiven and I am an idiot".

Freaking Chicago. Hooooooo-boy. And how about MikeS with the "hook, line and sinker"? Nice tie-in.

Howbout we all head for the golden arches and pick up a Fillet 'O Fish and see if we don't feel somehow improved? Naw, forgetaboutit. It don't get no better than this.

I love you people.

mosca is john prine????????

I'm glad I'm getting old, appreciative and respectful.
Pleased I don't understand what several of you are stating.

quote:

Originally posted by OzDogs

Mosca, did you write that song? That is fantastic! I mean like mindblowing! I'd really like to hear it sung!

LOL, I wish. That is John Prine's talking blues, "Jesus: The Missing Years", from his album the Missing Years. You can hear a snippet here:[url='http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:a9fwxqr5ldfe']The Missing Years[/url], click on the little speakers next to the titles.


Tom

Originally posted by OzDogs



naxet76 and Christians, no offense was intended. I do apologize. I ain't nothin but a devil-dog-slingin, pistol-packin sinner. Lord knows. "Christians aren't perfect" they say, "just forgiven". My response is "Christians are forgiven and I am an idiot".

Hey like I said, I was chuckling along with it.
I wonder too how Mosca's song must sound like?

Duh, I just saw Mosca's reply about where I can hear the song AFTER i posted my top reply....

The snippets are playing just a tiny bit slow at Allmusic. The whole album is a bit more uptempo. The Missing Years is on my all time top 100 list.


Tom