This is long, but if you are a fan of Dave Barry, like I am, you will enjoy it.
I totally get the fact that he does not like the politician named in this essay..
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DAVE BARRY
Do not be alarmed; Miami isn't so weird
BY DAVE BARRY
Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a
wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until
the moment you discover that your wallet is missing.
I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that
Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard
from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S.
Rep. Tom Tancredo.
Back in November, Rep. Tancredo, who represents suburban Denver,
ruffled some feathers down here when he called Miami ``a third-world country.''
For the record, that charge is unfair: Miami is WAY better armed
than any third-world country. Miami is also a world-class party city,
which is why the Super Bowl is being held here for a record-tying ninth time.
Compare that with -- to pick a city at random -- Denver, which has been
selected to host the Super Bowl a total of, let's see, the '60s, nope,
the '70s, nope, the '80s, nope, the '90s, nope, the 2000s, nope . . .
Gosh, it seems that Denver has NEVER, not one single time in over
four decades, been selected to host the Super Bowl. I'm sure there's a
good reason for this, such as that the Denver area has too few hotel
rooms, or too many xenophobic dimwits representing it in Congress.
But enough about Tom. Let's get back to Miami, and how you, the
Super Bowl visitor, can get the maximum possible enjoyment from your
stay here, with the fewest possible sucking chest wounds. We'll start with:
ARRIVING IN MIAMI
Chances are you'll arrive -- Lucky you! -- at Miami International
Airport. Here you will find a spacious, modern, convenient,
well-designed, passenger-friendly, state-of-the-art facility depicted
on murals showing what the airport allegedly will look like if they
ever finish it. This is unlikely to happen in the current century
because the airport is under the control of Miami-Dade politicians, who
traditionally fall into one of three
categories: (1) incompetents; (2) criminals; and (3) incompetent criminals.
I have lived here for more than 20 years, and for that entire time
the airport has been under construction, with almost all of the visible
progress taking the form of larger and better murals.
At the airport, you will notice that many people are speaking
Spanish; this is often true in Miami. It is not a big deal.
Most Spanish-speakers speak some English; in fact, many of them
speak it far better than -- to pick a xenophobic dimwit at random --
Rep. Tom Tancredo.
Nevertheless, you may find it helpful to learn a few basic Spanish
phrases, such as:
``Disculpe, dama o caballero.'' (``Excuse me, lady or horseman.'')
``He estado esperando mi equipaje dos días.'' (``I have been waiting
two days for my luggage.'')
``Sí, es un mural atractivo.'' (``Yes, it is an attractive mural.'')
``¿Usted piensa que conseguiré mi equipaje a tiempo para el tazón
estupendo?'' (``Do you think I will get my luggage in time for the
Super
Bowl?'')
``¿Dónde está el Rep. Tancredo?'' (``Where is the toilet?'')
GETTING AROUND MIAMI
Miami boasts a modern light rail and ''people mover'' system that
cost hundreds of millions of dollars and serves an average daily
ridership of nearly eight people. This system was conceived of and
built by basically the same political leadership responsible for the
airport, so needless to say it does not go to the airport.
It also does not go to many other places that many Miami residents
would like to go, which is why most of them do not use it. To them, the
Metrorail train is a mysterious object that occasionally whizzes past
over their heads, unrelated to their lives, kind of like a comet.
The point is, you need to rent a car. Do NOT be afraid to do this.
You may have heard scary stories about driving in Miami, but the truth
is that you will be perfectly safe, as long as you remain within the
rental-car lot. Beyond that, you are on your own.
If you do venture out on the roads of Miami, here are some rules to
bear in mind:
-- Never stop for a yellow light unless you want to be rear-ended.
-- Ditto for a red light.
-- In fact, as a general rule, never stop.
-- In Miami, signaling a turn is viewed as a sign of weakness.
-- If you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving car that does not
appear to have a driver, that car is in fact being operated by a senior
citizen approximately the height of a Pepsi can, but with worse eyesight.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PASS THIS CAR. At any moment the operator could
suddenly decide to change lanes without warning. Just be patient, and
within a mile the car will drive off the road, often into a canal or
building, and you can pass safely.
-- Whatever else you do, do NOT get on Interstate 95. If, by
mistake, you DO get on Interstate 95, whatever you do, do NOT get off.
About parking: In Miami, it is acceptable to park pretty much
anywhere, including on sidewalks, lawns, and slow-moving pedestrians.
There are also some legal parking spaces; if you find one, you're
supposed to pay for it at one of the electronic machines located around
the downtown area, which you can identify by the clot of people cursing
at them, because they never work.
Parking is trickier in Miami Beach, where the last available space
was taken in 1997. If you go over there, you will have to leave your
car with a valet, who will park it somewhere else. Haiti, for example.
Here are some useful Spanish expressions for getting around Miami:
``Salga de mi camino, usted Rep. Tancredo.'' (``Get out of my way,
you stupid idiot.'')
``No dispare, por favor.'' (``Please do not shoot.'')
``¿Está el Océano Atlántico por aquí?'' (``Is the Atlantic Ocean
around
here?'')
``¿Dónde está la playa con la gente desnuda?'' (``Where is the beach
with the naked people?'')
``Discúlpeme, pero usted ha parqueado en mi pie.'' (``Excuse me, but
you have parked on my foot.'')
ATTRACTIONS
Here are some of the ''must-see'' attractions in the Miami area:
-- The Everglades: If you like vast featureless expanses of grass
growing in rotting muck, you will love the Everglades.
-- Hot Women: They are everywhere down here. I'm not saying there
are no attractive women elsewhere; I'm just saying that, compared to
Miami women, they are Labrador retrievers. When male friends of mine
come to Miami from other cities, they constantly must drop to their
knees and feel around with their hands to locate their eyeballs, which
have ejected themselves from their sockets in an effort to get a better
gander. I myself do not have this problem because my wife (Hi, honey!) is a total babe.
-- The Forest of Cranes: Miami boasts the world's largest outdoor
collection of free-range construction cranes. Some of them are being
used to construct unsold condominiums -- a major industry here -- but
many of them have no apparent purpose other than to screw up traffic.
There seem to be more of them every day. We suspect they are having
wild crane sex at night.
-- The performing arts center: If you want to see arts being
performed, this is the place for you to go. Maybe you could do this the
same day you visit the Everglades.
-- The Two Comically Close-Together Arenas: In 1988 Miami built a
new arena for $52 million. Then in 1999 Miami spent $175 million to
build ANOTHER new arena just four blocks away. Then we sold the first
arena for a tidy profit of minus $24 million. That is the kind of savvy
financial-mastermind political leadership we have. It's only a matter
of time before we build a second light-rail system.
-- South Beach: This is the heart of the action, a happening scene
where supertrendy people gather to valet-park their cars and go to
clubs with names like ''Moisture'' where they join other supertrendy
valet-parkers to listen to music loud enough to liquefy brain tissue
while drinking watery cocktails at upwards of $18 a pop. Sound like
fun? Then head on over to SoBe, where friendly club bouncers will
welcome you inside, provided that you are a woman with a hotness
quotient of Scarlett Johansson or higher. If you are a normal human
female, or God forbid a male, you may have to wait outside in the Ugly
Person Line until (a) the bouncer decides you have been sufficiently
humiliated, or (b) Easter, whichever comes later. Maybe you should pencil in a second visit to the Everglades.
-- Fort Lauderdale: Don't miss it! There is plenty of parking.
-- Joe's Stone Crab: Miami has many great restaurants, but Joe's is
the king of them all, and for a very good reason: You can't get a
table. This makes it highly desirable. People have been known to spend
their entire Miami vacation waiting for a table at Joe's, and yet they
always come out happy, because the stone crabs are that good, plus they
contain (Don't tell
anybody!) heroin.
In fact, you can avoid the long wait for a table at Joe's, provided
that you know the correct procedure for dealing with the maitre d'.
A TIP ON TIPPING
First off, you do NOT simply walk up and hand him money like some
clueless tourist dork (or, as we call them down here, ``Tancredo'').
Instead, you let the maitre d' know, subtly, that you will grease
his palm on the way out. It also helps if you can convince him that you
are either a regular customer, or an important celebrity such as Cher
or the pope.
To help you visualize this procedure, here's a sample dialogue
between you and the Joe's maitre d':
YOU: I'd like a table for four, please.
MAITRE D': Name?
YOU: Either a regular customer, or an important celebrity such as
Cher or the pope.
MAITRE D':
YOU: Don't worry about money, because on the way out I will be
greasing your palm with some.
That's all there is to it! While you're waiting for your table, you
can enjoy a drink, or perhaps another visit to the Everglades.
But in any event, I hope you enjoy your meal at Joe's, as well as
the rest of your stay here in the Miami area. And we look forward to
seeing you back here in 2010, when we will be hosting the Super Bowl
for a record 10th time.
In between, it will go to two other cities. Neither of them, for the
record, is Denver.
