Elise's San Antonio Report

Sunday

I flew in late in the afternoon. A guy passed by me on the plane with something that looked like a violin case, but was bell-shaped. I gestured towards it and said, "I have to ask." He replied, "Oh, thet's fer mah cowboy hat!" I guess they take their cowboy hats very seriously down here. The pilot was kind of ballsy, tilting the plane roughly to dip the wings down to the left and right. I suspected he would have done barrel rolls, rules permitting. I was surprised when we deplaned to find two female pilots at the helm.

I shared a cab from the airport with a few other women. As we passed a mall, one said to the other, "PF Changs!!"
"We're so there!"
They high-fived as I shuddered.
The cab driver turned to me and asked, "Do you know what La Quinta means in Spanish? …Next to Dennys!"

I had a quiet night at the Marriott with surprisingly good room service and a 10-dollar movie. Where else can you get banana pudding from room service? But I consider banana pudding to be Southern tiramisu. There is a fine art to it. The Nilla wafers have a moment of spongy perfection between rock-hard and mush. Their Nilla Wafers were far too brittle for my finely-honed banana pudding palate.

Monday

After my workshops were done, I wandered the "Riverwalk". It is very reminiscent of "It's a Small World" with mariachis and beer. Sometimes there were even dueling mariachis. One of the bands played the chicken dance and it was unnerving to have dozens of strangers around you spontaneously clap along. I wished they would have started "...the stars at night are big and bright..." so I could see if everyone would spontaneously sing like in Pee Wee's Great Adventure.


The Riverwalk:


img]http://www.roadfood.com/insider/photos/1988.jpg[/img]


I went to eat at Boudro's, as recommended. I had a nice table by the "river". The appetizer of wild mushrooms on polenta was interesting. Nice tangy goat cheese. But they used mostly crimini, which I consider a "filler" mushroom, not truly a wild mushrom. I ordered yellowfin tuna cooked through, because I buck the system by not liking it "seared". It arrived seared. I sent it back. As I was waiting, I saw something run around the feet of the woman next to me. It seemed like an insect, but moved like a lizard, fast and circling. I neglected to warn her, for fear it was just a hallucination. Suddenly a dozen of these monsters swarmed up from the river. They looked like giant brown cockroaches. We all squealed and jumped. I cried, "Oh God, do they fly?" Someone screamed, "They fly! They fly!" A passerby mumbled, "They're just palmetto bugs" with a sanguine, eyerolling undertone. The restaurant understood that I chose not to continue with my meal. They very generously comped my appetizer and I tipped my waiter and left.

I found Mr. Ice Cream, an old-fashioned ice-cream parlour. They served Bluebell and Bluebonnet and Bluewhatever icecreams. They even had banana pudding ice cream. It was heavenly.


img]http://www.roadfood.com/insider/photos/1989.jpg[/img]





I headed over to Pat O'Briens. They weren't serving food anymore, but I ordered a hurricane anyways. Halfway through, I decided it was unwise for a stranger in a strange land to get so hammered alone and continued along the Riverwalk. A guy passing by gestured towards me and commented to his friends, “Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ ABOUT!” I worried, “WHAT were they talking about???”

Everything else was closing when I arrived, so I went to "Dick's Last Resort." I believe it is a local Texas chain. It is one of those places where they are "charmingly rude" and practice public humiliation. But they had 22-ounce microbrews, and a cover band playing songs like "Mustang Sally" and "It's Your Thing (do what you want to do)" so I was fine with it; let the waitress throw napkins at me, whatever. They instinctively knew not to try to put a hat on me though. I think they have a well-honed sense who not to mess with.


Willing Victims of the Last Resort:





All of the food mysteriously arrived in buckets. The buckets actually served to keep my giant beer cold and fries warm, so I guess it wasn't so strange.





I went to the restroom as I was leaving and had to do the mexican hat dance on the toilet to keep a cockroach from crawling on my feet. So it was a pretty busy night, bug-wise.

Tuesday

Since I was trapped in workshops all day, I sustained myself on Marriott fare until dinnertime. My friend, Angy, wanted to try a local place called "Steers and Beers" for dinner. Hey, if it rhymes, it's OK with me. Even if it is adjacent to the mall. The place was decorated in a "Fridays" meets psychotic cowboy style. The dining room boasted no less than FIVE jackalopes, as well as what I can only assume is a "jackalopester... a jackalope with chicken feet (shudder). But I convinced at least one mind-boggled tourist they were real, so what more can one hope for in dining room decor. The restrooms were marked "LEATHER" and "LACE". I just naturally chose "LEATHER" and walked into a gauntlet of urinals. I guess I failed some kind of psychological profile there. The chicken strip appetizers arrived with gravy for dipping, which was just wrong somehow. My catfish filets were perfectly fried, but my friend's ribs were coated in a cloyingly sweet sauce. I had thought Texas BBQ was a dry rub with maybe a mop. Maybe not.


Catfish at Steers and Beers

Wednesday

Olmos' Milkshake:




My workshop wasn't until evening, so this was my day to play. Roadfood recommended Olmos' Pharmacy, but I couldn't find them in any phone book or guide book. When I finally tracked down the phone number to call and make sure they were still there, the gentleman replied, "We've been here for 75 years, ma'am, I'm not sure where we'd go." When Angy and I arrived around 11am, I started taking pictures of the old sign. Waitress Betty immediately ran outside and hijacked my camera. For the rest of our visit she endearingly insisted on showing me the best shots, even inviting me behind the counter, much to the consternation of the other waitress.


Betty at the helm




We arrived just in time, because by 11:30 the place was packed. I ordered chilaquiles, and in a fit of excitement, added on a pancake and order of Texas Toast. The chilaquiles, scrambled eggs with salsa and fried corn tortilla strips, were not greasy at all, a mean feat. And it was probably the most perfect pancake in the world. Oh and then we ordered a chocolate-cherry shake to go.


Pancake of my dreams:




When I ordered, Angy asked Betty what Texas Toast was. "It's toast!!!" she hollered as she whizzed off. When the food arrived, Angy was leery of the Texas Toast. I think if she had a stick she would have poked it. "What is it?"
"It's toast."
"What makes it Texas toast?"
"It's thick toast."
She eyed it suspiciously, "What do they do to it?"
"Do to it? They probably fry it on the grill with butter."
"Fry it?"
"It's toast! It's thick toast! Thick fried toast!"
She made a wary face.
"Now eat it!"
She stared at me.
"Eat it! Eat the toast!!!"
She obediently nibbled at a corner. I felt ashamed and confused that I had just bullied someone into eating toast against their will. Especially since it was my order.

As we drove back towards downtown in the taxi, I suddenly shrieked. This caused the cab driver to shriek and slam on his brakes. This caused the surrounding cars to honk in outrage. This caused Angy to shriek. When we all stopped shrieking they glared at me, "WHAT???" I could barely get the breath out, "BOOTS...GIANT....BOOTS." There on the side of the freeway sat a pair of cowboy boots three stories high. The cabbie pulled a quick U-turn that resulted in more honking and shrieking and we arrived at one of my favorite roadside attractions...pointless gigantic things. Especially if they are the "world's largest". Angy gamely took my photo and we hopped back in the taxi and sped off like it was a getaway.





We got dropped off at the Alamo to meet some friends. We took some photos outside with the guards who Angy insisted on referring to as “cowboys”. It is a shrine and you are not allowed to take pictures inside. The sandstone building was beautiful. It was chilling to read the long lists of the dead, and imagine all that blood spilled on the cold stone floors.

There was a gift shop in another building. After picking up some cookbooks and various items shaped like shotguns and Bowie knives, my friends decided to press pennies. I took their picture by the machine, and one of the guards reprimanded me harshly. I didn’t help matters any by responding, “I’m sorry, the selling of sombreros and cactus magnets led me to believe we were no longer in a sacred shrine.” Angy didn’t help matters any further by telling me to shut up and listen to the cowboy. We beat a hasty retreat. I guess they take their penny-pressing pretty seriously here too. Jeez, it’s not like I’m Ozzy Osbourne or anything.

After hours in the hot sun, we ducked into a little place called "GM Steaks" for an iced tea. But when I saw how "Roadfood-y" it looked inside I ordered fried okra too. I don't know why the lowliest place in the South can fry food so much better than the best places in California. Perfectly crispy, without a hint of greasiness. I grabbed a paper menu on the way out. Later I noticed they had filet mignon for 8.99. What was this, Vegas?


Texas Toast at GM Steaks:

[img] http://www.fototime.com/DADBD60488409DE/standard.jpg[/img]


I admitted defeat to the relentless sun and finally bought a cowboy hat. And it looked good. Damn good. Those Alberta genes always tell in the end.

I went back to a workshop (really, that is what I was there for...not for the sole purpose of eating.), then Angy and I headed over to the County Line BBQ. I ordered Cajun shrimp. What I was thinking was "popcorn". What they were thinking was "lots of hairy legs". I struggled with one of the shell-on shrimp. I crunched on a bit of exoskeleton as I tried not to look at the spidery legs. Shrimp don't just jump out of their shells with slippery wanton abandon like crawfish do. After another half-hearted attempt, I had to send them back to the kitchen. To be honest, I was doomed from the moment the word "exoskeleton" came to mind. I had the shrimp replaced with wings. They were nicely fried, with a sauce that was more BBQ than Buffalo. Angy’s steak was good. I enjoyed my BBQ sampler plate, but again, it was drowned in a thick, sweet sauce. The potato salad was dill-heavy and the beans were just what was to be expected.





We walked over to "Dick's last Resort" to get my husband, Bob, a T-shirt since he thought it was sooo funny. I ordered a slice of peanut butter pie to go and Angy headed for the Galaxa game. While waiting all alone at the end of a long family table, a guy came over and sat down right next to me at the head of the table. In an empty table of 12 seats, he sat right next me and just stared at me. I looked over at Angy, but she was busy saving the universe. I made a conscious decision to assume that perhaps he was unable to actually see me due to some extenuating circumstance I was unaware of, such as drunkeness. Or blindness. It was with great relief that I packed up Angy and my pie and headed down the Riverwalk.


Peanut Butter Pie with a layer of cheesecake and a layer similar to no-bake peanut butter cookies:




We crossed paths with two of our colleages.
"Where are you going?" they asked
"Back to the hotel."
"But the hotel's over THERE!" (pointing away from the hotel).
"Umm...where are you guys coming from?"
"Pat O'Brien's! Have you ever actually HAD a mint julep???"
"OK, turn around. You're coming with us."

Thursday

Thursday is when I decided I had had my fill of workshops and cut out early. My husband, Bob, wanted me to pick him up some Rocky Erickson. So I took a cab over to Hogwild Records, the local hipster record store by the college. I found Bob a Rocky Erickson CD set, so mission accomplished. I picked myself up some vinyl: Thirteenth Floor Elevators, Roy Head, Jane County, Instant Funk, and some compilations. I also got an interesting documentary on Tacoland, a famous bar which was the heart of the San Antonio scene. Its much-loved owner and mascot was recently shot dead during a robbery.

I caught a cab just as big fat, warm raindrops started splashing on the windshield. When the cabbie noticed my interest in the older restaurants, he insisted on taking me to Armadillos, which he professed was one of the best and oldest hamburger places in town. He even offered to turn off the meter. It looked a bit yuppified, not Roadfood-looking at all, with hip bright southwestern colors and the cleanest kitchen I have ever seen in my entire life, including my own.

Apparantly the place has been there for fifty or more years. The new owners bought the place and fixed it up 2 years ago. But they kept the original cooks and recipes.

They had something on the menu called "Armadillo Eggs'. I thought they would be deep-fried jalapenos. I ordered a side of them to eat in the car. The hamburgers were served up in 1/3 pound, half pound and full pound patties. The conversation I had with the server went something like this:

"I guess I'll have the 1/3 pound because I'm not that hungry. I don't want a very big burger."
" But they are all the same size."
" No. There are three sizes."
" But they are all the same size."
" But they are not. There is the 1/3, 1/2, and 1 pound burger."
" Right. But they are all the same size."
" You mean diameter?'
" I mean size."

Who's on first? I gave up.

As I was leaving, I noticed lettering on the ceiling saying, " A WET BIRD NEVER FLIES AT NIGHT." I asked, "What does that mean?" The manager said, "We don't know. It was there when we bought it and we decided we'd better keep it there."

Snugly back in the cab I opened the syrofoam container holding the "Armadillo eggs" and immediately started laughing my head off. Nestled Inside the container was perhaps the most creative presentation of snack food I have ever seen...fried round tortillas were sprinkled with jalapenos and blanketed with white cheese. In the center of each tortilla was a little squirt of melted Velveeta that served to make them look uncannily like fried eggs!! And they tasted spectacular. I piqued the taxi drivers' curiosity and soon the two of us were happily driving around town with the meter off, looking at little restaurants and munching on armadillo eggs. They were so spicy we even stopped at the gas station for milk. I know if I lived in San Antonio, my husband would be tormented at work by my demands to stop and pick up armadillo eggs for me on the way home. I can hear the whining echoing inside my head as I imagine their spicy goodness.





When I got back to the hotel, I opened up my second styrofoam container and again was surprised and delighted. This flying saucer of a hamburger filled the entire container. It must have been seven inches in diameter! That's why the waitress kept harping on size! I guess it does matter. Crispy, greasy, charred to perfection, with a soft squishy bun, it was the quintissential cheeseburger experience. Thank you, dear Mr. Cab Driver, wherever you are!!!





I fell into a grease-induced coma. My friends called, imploring me to go hit the bars, but I was out for the night and cuddled back into bed. That's the beauty of hotel rooms. Eating in bed. Greasy sheets just magically disappear the next day.

Friday

Friday I felt it was my responsibility to Roadfood, nay, to the world at large, to investigate as many places as possible before catching my plane. First I decided to see if Pat O'Briens was serving “authentic” New Orleans food. Even though the one IN New Orleans is not anywhere I would normally eat. I ordered the appetizer sampler platter. The fried gator was fine, tough like gator tends to be. It paled in comparison (as it often does on a mixed platter) to the richer, lighter, and flakier catfish strips. The shrimp rolled in Pina Colada mix and coconut was pretty good, and the Bloody Mary wings were an interesting take on the usual. But no hurricane-coated food? It came with about 5 dipping sauces. I called the waitress over, "No remoulade?" She hurried out with a cupful, because five dipping sauces just arent enough for a girl like me.





There was a barker standing by the back door, hollering at little old ladies to hurry up and cross the street. What seems so plebian on Bourbon Street seemed bizarre and out of place in Texas.

Next I just had to see what was up with this 8.99 steak over at GM. It is a cross between cafeteria style and a pick-up counter. I picked up a slice of Boston Cream pie, which seemed ubiquitous around San Antonio. I started eating it while I waited for my order. Wow. soft,fresh cake, rich custard filling and a smear of chocolate frosting on top. It was amazing. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the steak. It was not the toughest steak I have ever had. I just don't think you should ever have to sneak any of your food into a napkin because you got tired of chewing it. But that's just me. If you visit the Alamo, I would recommend GM as a nice stop for iced tea and pie, and they have an intriguing breakfast menu, including breakfast tacos.

I had to rush off to the airport, so I didn’t make it to Shilo's, the deli that had been recommended by a fellow Roadfooder. My taxi driver stopped at a drive-up ATM for me and was stunned when I leaned the top half of my body out the window to reach it. He said in a strong East Indian accent, “Tell your husband he is a very lucky man. I wish I had a wife at home who was so bendy.” On my way into the airport, I saw yet another "Don't mess with Texas" sticker. I could no longer resist. I reached over and playfully tousled Texas' hair.


I hope you've enjoyed your trip. May I check your bags?





Mr. Ice Cream 423 E Commerce St 210-224-5749

Olmos Pharmacy 3902 McCullough 210-822-3361

Armadillos 1423 McCullough Avenue 210-226-7556

GM Steakhouse 211 Alamo Plaza 210-223-1523 (Closed Tuesdays)

Hogwild Records 1824 N. Main

Every other restaurant: On the Riverwalk


Thanks to Bushie for hosting my pics!!!

Elise T, What great pictures and a wonderful report. Another city to add to my list of places I need to visit.

That was fun, Elise, almost as good as a trip to San Antonio for us....and the pictures were wonderful. Your report, along with TJ's earlier, were so very worthwhile reading, so very "roadfood", and so very right for this forum. Thank you and happy travels.

Donna

Elise, you know I have the utmost respect for you, and I remember you saying that you were limited in how you could travel, and god knows I don't want to sound like one of the reflexive chain-haters here, but...I'm sorry, when you eat at County Line, Pat O'Brien's and Dick's Last Resort, it's bad form to make fun of someone for eating at P.F. Chang's!

However, I'm really glad to learn that Olmos is still around! I ate there several times as a kid when we were passing through San Antonio on our way to the coast every summer -- I've never bothered to find out if it was still open because I just assumed that, like damn near every other pharmacy lunch counter, it was long gone. It's on the list for the next time Charity and I are in town.

Too bad you didn't make it to "Mi Tierra" for the best mexican restaurant in Texas.

And you must be too young to remember the old comedian Jackie Vernon. The foundation for his philosophy was "A wet bird never flies at night". He had a whole routine of similar gems--all meaningless, delivered in a deadly dead pan and hilarious.

Another of his that I remember: "My uncle was killed while eating a cherry pie at the automat. He didn't know that he was supposed to take the pie out when the little window opened, and it fell on his neck like a guilliotine while he was eating".

quote:

Originally posted by Lucky Bishop

Elise, you know I have the utmost respect for you, and I remember you saying that you were limited in how you could travel, and god knows I don't want to sound like one of the reflexive chain-haters here, but...I'm sorry, when you eat at County Line, Pat O'Brien's and Dick's Last Resort, it's bad form to make fun of someone for eating at P.F. Chang's!

However, I'm really glad to learn that Olmos is still around! I ate there several times as a kid when we were passing through San Antonio on our way to the coast every summer -- I've never bothered to find out if it was still open because I just assumed that, like damn near every other pharmacy lunch counter, it was long gone. It's on the list for the next time Charity and I are in town.

In my defense:

1. I ate at County Line because it was recommended by a fellow Roadfooder.

2. I ate at Dick's Last Resort because it was literally the ONLY place open, hence the "Last Resort" part.

3. I ate at Pat O'Briens because I miss New Orleans.

4. I did pay for two very expensive taxi rides to escape Riverwalk when I was able to skip my workshops.

5. I did not make FUN of the PF Changians...I CRINGED at their fervor.



PS You forgot to chastise me for eating at Steers and Beers.

quote:

Originally posted by Hillbilly

Too bad you didn't make it to "Mi Tierra" for the best mexican restaurant in Texas.

And you must be too young to remember the old comedian Jackie Vernon. The foundation for his philosophy was "A wet bird never flies at night". He had a whole routine of similar gems--all meaningless, delivered in a deadly dead pan and hilarious.

Another of his that I remember: "My uncle was killed while eating a cherry pie at the automat. He didn't know that he was supposed to take the pie out when the little window opened, and it fell on his neck like a guilliotine while he was eating".

Aha. Jackie Vernon. I will check him out.

I kept an eye out for Mi Tierra, but did not see it. There were also alot of little Mexican restaurants and stands that looked great, but they all seemed to close by 3pm.

quote:

Originally posted by EliseT

PS You forgot to chastise me for eating at Steers and Beers.

Had I known you were going there, I would have told you to invite my cousin David who lives in Alamo Heights -- then you would have had the title of my favorite Revolting Cocks album!

quote:

Originally posted by Lucky Bishop

quote:

Originally posted by EliseT

PS You forgot to chastise me for eating at Steers and Beers.

Had I known you were going there, I would have told you to invite my cousin David who lives in Alamo Heights -- then you would have had the title of my favorite Revolting Cocks album!

How do you know I didn't?

Don't ask...don't tell...

Elise,
You have convinced me that I need to buy a digital camera and work a scanner into my life so I can share my roadfoodly experiences with all y'all.
Those armadillo eggs are one of the more ingenious things I've ever seen on here, and I've noted some doozies over time.
Many, many thanks to you for your report.
Congratulatorially, Ort.

I returned to San Antonio a few months ago. The last time I was there was in 1964 when I went through basic training at Lackaland AFB. At that time, I thought I went through hell although looking back on it, it was nothing.

I only had one week end at that time to visit San Antonio and I was tickled to death to get the hell off the base. The night that I left Lackland on a train to my next training base which was in Montgomery,Alabama, I had to pinch my self to make sure I was awake.

When I returned to San Antonio, I found it to be very pleasing and River Walk was super and not like the post basic training experience I had at Lackland.

Paul E. Smith
Knoxville, TN

quote:

Originally posted by Ort. Carlton.

Elise,
You have convinced me that I need to buy a digital camera and work a scanner into my life so I can share my roadfoodly experiences with all y'all.
Those armadillo eggs are one of the more ingenious things I've ever seen on here, and I've noted some doozies over time.
Many, many thanks to you for your report.
Congratulatorially, Ort.

I would LOVE to see your pics!!! With a digital camera, you don't even need to scan...no loss in quality at all.

Of course, I've thought about scanning some menus to include in my reports..

Elise. I enjoyed the trip on the boat tripping me close to all the restaurants on the river. I ate way too much.

Paul E. Smith
Knoxville, TN

Elise, your photos are absolutely superb and enjoyable. I think I'm going to use my own camera. You ( and TJ, et al) have definitely given me the bug.

Elise, great trip report and pictures!! Thanks!! But at the end you were reminding me of Julie on the Love Boat.

quote:

Originally posted by lleechef

Elise, great trip report and pictures!! Thanks!! But at the end you were reminding me of Julie on the Love Boat.

Strange you should say that. That's what they were calling me at work when I instituted "Pajama Party Fridays"

I can smell a Julie with a Pajama Party Friday from 3000 miles away......

quote:

Originally posted by lleechef

I can smell a Julie with a Pajama Party Friday from 3000 miles away......

Were you a Chi Omega? My sisters want to know.

quote:

Originally posted by bill voss

quote:

Originally posted by lleechef

I can smell a Julie with a Pajama Party Friday from 3000 miles away......

Were you a Chi Omega? My sisters want to know.

By the time I worked my way to a real college, I was too old for sororities. But you're never too old for pajama parties!

Great report, as always.

Wow, all this and so bendy too!

Thanks for the report!

Elise: Loved your New Orleans account last year, and this one was just as enjoyable. Love your dry sense of humor, the photos, the food descriptions. Is that you with the cap on? beth

Great report, Elise! I may be visiting San Antonio for a few days in October (if airfare becomes more reasonable!), and I appreciate the info. Those armadillo eggs look great right now -- with an ice cold beer.

Thanks...

cindy

Elise, you made my day, I love to read your "Food" Reports, and enjoy your sense of humor.

LegalLady

quote:

Originally posted by bethgrd

Elise: Loved your New Orleans account last year, and this one was just as enjoyable. Love your dry sense of humor, the photos, the food descriptions. Is that you with the cap on? beth

Yep, that's me, wearing the Skycap's hat.

Do you normally send back a lot of food? Is it empowering?

I think that was un-called for also.

Great report are you a travel agent? If not you should be I never thought I would want to go to San Antonio but now it is on the list!
Good pics too!

Thanks

That was fun!!! Thanks!