We start the morning off sensibly enough with chilaquiles from room service. Do I even need to tell you that they totally kick ass?
Even American breakfast came with chilaquiles and magic tortilla cups.
From the minute we stepped on the tour bus there was screaming from the ugly Americans – Cranky Guy was hollering that they were just gonna get off the bus and screw the whole thing if they were going to cram 2 more people in there.
I do not have good luck with tour buses.
We were driven for an hour along deserted dirt roads populated with black buzzards, vultures, crosses marking deaths in the road and homes with private backyard cemeteries.
Then it was all blue agave until we hit the Los Osunas Factory
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_WlKjFCU5vQ 
After the agave is hacked up, you are left with the pina.
(The sound you hear is my spitting out butterflies)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=yXOk5-WgYpM The pina is cooked in underground kilns.
At this point you can chew on it and extract the agave juice which is seriously addicting. Seriously. And maybe a hallucinogen. The jury is still out. But later that night this is what I wrote while chewing it:
It kind of looks like horses hooves made out of beef jerky. You chew and suck on the fibers and they release their sweet nectar. There is something light and sweet molaases and honey, masking something darker, a slight sensation of alcohol and sex in a smoky room. I wasn;t paying too much attention to what the tour guide was saying at this point, but it wasn't raw agave pina. Later I asked if I could take some with me, which appeared to be an unusual request. They said to be careful with it so it wouldn’t spoil or ferment. So what I have is definitely not fermented. I wonder if I can get it through customs, or if the bees trailing my bags will be a dead giveaway. At the tequila factory I tried to take pictures following the pipes so my friends back home could follow the process, but I kept getting distracted by scary machinery and things on fire.
At first I thought this was some kind of torture device. But then my brother explained to me that it was part of a pulley system to power this torture device with teeth that you can see in the videos.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=l1aGE6r5fz0 I liked this cog for no special reason.
I still don't know what this is
I got kind of bored while he discussed the fermentation process
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iu4TMawZlUU 135 proof straight from the bucket
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EbUhOBDF4qk Production:
The alcohol has to be mixed with distilled water because its natural liquor content is too high.
And what happens in this room?
Oh, sorry, mister
Then it was time to drink
The horses had big dents in their heads that kind of freaked me out
The factory owner stuck his thumb in it to show me it was OK
Now there goes a real cowboy
Back through the agave fields. On the trip there, the guide told us about the local flora and fauna, and how the state of Jalisco had a copyright on the word tequila, so it's kind of like Champagne. But on the way back, maybe the tequila had gotten to him. He started telling long stories about cannibals and brujas. This is a plant brujas use to dry up your brain.
Woman on tour to husband: what's a brujas?
Husand: You know honey, like those German places where they sell beer.
