Pain, Shame, and a Spring Rite

Hello All,
This is not for anyone, well, maybe just for me.
Officially, spring is here and there are some holy days
approaching. I don't want those days and this season to be meaningless in my life. Too many seasons and holy days pass
and I am not a part of them.
I am not always a part of them, and I wonder why.
I've been thinking it's because of pain and shame.
They're both related. Physical pain alienates us from others
in many ways. I have had a bad back that acts up from time to time,
and it makes me feel mad and lonely. No one else is feeling it.
It alienates me, makes me grumpy and snarly. Lately, I've been
hurting in my mouth where the wisdom teeth dwell. I'm 51 years old
and either a wisdom tooth is popping out in a peculiar, wrong angle, or it is a silver of my jaw bone.
My dentist is sending me to an oral surgery specialist, appointment is
a month from now. In the meantime, pain. And Life just doesn't feel right.
The pain makes me snap at those I love. I hear myself and feel shame.
Shame creates the same feelings of loneliness and alienation, plus
guilt. And Guilt is acid to love, growth, and a sharing of peace and
hospitality with everyone.
For me, I can feel guilty about almost anything.
What did I write on Roadfood and wow, I shouldn't have wrote that.
I could have been a better son to Mom and Pop.
Why does that one brother drive me nuts...I should be a better brother.
The first wife...such a lovely soul and I was so immature.
Did I do anything in my past that caused my son to be autistic?
Why have I worked nights for the last 11 years and missed so much
of my family's life?
When I was only six, how did I give that kid a bloody nose when we
were just goofing around?
The list is endless, but haunting, and shades my days. It imprisons
my heart and hampers what I want to say and the way I say it.
I pray to my God and it helps. But pain and shame, like love, are
things that constantly reappear because I am alive and moving in
the episodes of life.
Just as I renew my bonds of love with others, I must dance with the
demons that are on my dance card.
This weekend I plan on having a bonfire. One of the things I will add
to the fire is list of my pains and shames. I know they will not burn
away, but it is a gesture of faith.
Take Care,
Fieldthistle

No-YOU take care Fieldthistle....

quote:

Originally posted by Fieldthistle
This weekend I plan on having a bonfire. One of the things I will add
to the fire is list of my pains and shames. I know they will not burn
away, but it is a gesture of faith.

I think this is an excellent idea. Some may say it is only symbolic, but I believe ceremony has a place in changing our mindset.
May spring burst forth in your life, fulfilling its promise of rebirth and new growth to banish those demons crashing the dance party of your life.

Hey, FieldT, we've all made our mistakes (I'm STILL at it at the age of 51!)and have our regrets. It IS hard to fight physical pain (multiple broken bones from a childhood car wreck)daily without resorting to my old friend (heroin-long, boring story), and it's going to get worse as I age. I coudda-shoudda-woudda just like everyone else, but you know what? It is what it is, and I'm the only one that can change how I deal with it. Sorry, end of sermon, break up the soapbox, break out the lighters, & let's start that virtual bonfire! I gotta little list to burn, too!

Happy Beltane!

Just remember w/ pain comes Dilaudid or morphine...but then I think my pain my be a bit more up the scale from a bad tooth. Tylenol 3's seem to be the dose for oral problems.

Hello All,
V960, I am sorry for your pain and for the reason you have it.
That was my point. We all have pain, and it is ours, individually. No one
can understand it, except perhaps God. And the pain changes us.
I am seeking a renewal, a path away from the pain. My back pain
and current wisdom tooth problem is not yours. I cannot judge yours.
I am not talking just about Tylenol 3 as an answer.
I truly wish the best for you.
Take Care,
Fieldthistle

Fieldthistle,
You sound like you're woefully low on serotonin. I suggest a heart-to-heart with a doctor you trust to provide a slight bit of help. A mild deffeciency in this brain chemical can wreak havoc with your emotional life.

Pain is something I'm all too familiar with... advanced arthritis in hands, hips, knees and starting in back. I deal with it with the lightest doses I can of chemical help. Staying distracted and interested in something else helps.

I hope you will get some help. I have greatly enjoyed your posts, and I don't like to think of your being in mental or physical pain.

I'm sorry for my comment but I'm having a bad day. I have found that running through the pain is a better solution than drugs. I have enough "goodies" in my med cab to put a bull moose on his knees but have found a nice easy five mile run works better. I am comical to watch run as I more hobble than run.

I cannot offhand remember the French writer who penned "If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger"...or something close to that anyway. I truely accept that concept. So many mornings my wife of twenty five years will try to talk me out of my morning run, you're tired, you got in late last night, the kids will be up soon...If I stop will I ever start again? The writer was Camus I think.

Fieldthistle...you can be on my dance card anytime! I am a fellow (well, was lolzzz) 3rd shift person of 11 yrs. It takes a special..very special person to work 3rds...first of all...you gotta be insane hahahaha and I am :-)....then you have to be able to sleep when the sun is shining brite and eat real food @ 3am lolzzz...I gave up on the real food @ 3am...I usually just ate a bagel. I was in the same line of work as you are and it has it's moments!!
I feel for you with the bad tooth...I had one the other day that was bothering me...it was to the point...if I had a gun...I woulda shot the MF out lolzzz It's gone now...I pulled it.Wisdom teeth are no laughing matter @ any age...I rate tooth pain right up there with childbirth.
I feel for you with the back pain...I've been blessed and not really had back pain.
Spring is a time of renewal and that bonfire sounds pretty nifty...God knows I have tons to burn...hold a seat for me!!!
Pam

P.S
It's 3am and my normal nite with insomnia..I am working on an excel spreadsheet for a friend...gotta keep me mind active hahahah
Pls let me know how you are...
Pam