Geezy Peezy , Paul. Ya make it sound like I had a wild hair on me arse!
Once upon a time, there was a 9 year old boy named Adam. Adam, having recently moved to a neighborhood with a dearth of children his own age, was rather sad, dejected and bored the day after Mother's Day. He was tired of riding his bike alone. His mother, a very perceptive and kind woman, noticed his distress and bit the bullet and offered to ride bikes with him, after a 20 odd year hiatus from such activity. Having not , her own bike, she scarfed her ex husband's ten -speed and geeky bike helmet. Mother and son set out to cruise in the beautiful spring weather. As Mama mounted the bike, she noticed two things: her toes barely met the pedals and the bike seat felt like she was astride a medieval mace. Not willing to disappoint the now delighted and anticipatory young boy, she bravely gave herself a kick start, then jumped up and perched gingerly on the hellish seat. After a few wobbles, and jumps down and back up to get her stopped and going again, Mama and son took off for their neighborhood ride. Mama managed to last an hour on the bed of razor seat, then had to cry "uncle" and put the bike back in the storage area.(However, before doing so, she gave the offending object a few kicks and uttered some ancient curses at it.)
Although, she walked like she'd had a pole up her wazoo for a few days, Mama seemed to be getting over her painful ride into hell. But Friday, a reminder of her torment reared it's ugly head in the core of her nether regions(No PAul.....it tweren't my butt) Mama attempted to call her pcp but the doctor did not return her calls. (friggin' hmo's)
The weekend passed and Mama languished in the heat of her broken a/c bedroom with warm, moist compresses on her boo boo. On Monday, she again began her phone marathon in trying to get a hold of her doc. MAma was sore afraid(or maybe sore and afraid is more accurate) for she felt as if she had grown a 7 inch testicle, just because she had the audacity to ride a man's bike. She was also fevered, and being diabetic, none of this boded well for her. Her doctor finally answered her plaintive calls, at 4:30 pm...........a half hour after the offices had closed. The doc, sounding rather bored and unconcerned informed MAma that she nor any of her partners had any openings for the week and as Mama already had an appointment with her on Thursday, to just wait until then and hung up. MAma was slighlty p'o'd with this directive, and stormed down to the local "Doc in the Box". Albeit the doctor there was concerned, they were not equipped to handle the problem and sent her home with some antibiotic and Percocets, telling her to demand to see her doc on the morrow.
She did as asked, but to no avail. The doc would not return her calls. Fevered and frustrated, Mama then called her endocrinologist, weeping into his ear. Appalled , he told her to haul her new testicle and he'd meet her in the ER.3 weeks inpatient incarceration, 4 surgeries, 18 units of blood and enough antifungals and antibiotics to cure a leper colony , later,Mama is home with a new fashion accessory, a foley catheter with a really cute purse like pee bag, a half amputated pootie, and the new nickname..."Stumpywoman", as she was fondly called by her operating team and nurses. Mama plans to start a cottage business of designer covers for pee bags and to form the first support group in the US for labial amputees.
Thank y'all so much for your well wishes
