RE: Today i'm sad.
Fri, 05/4/07 8:59 AM
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Today has been a bitch. Today has been strange. Children are not suppossed to die before their parents,let alone their grandparents.
The bitch has been that my son and daughter-in-law are in mourning, so we are taking care of my soon to be 4 year old grand daughter, who at times is 4 going on 12, or going on to 2, maybe it has something to do with the tides.
She wanted to know why mommy and daddy were so sad, and she wanted to know where her "babies" were, it was left to me to explain, a task I told my kids I would take on. She, and I first took the tractor out to do some work, I thought I would tell her there, as she loves the tractor, and the rumble and the vibrations are very soothing, plus she is actually pretty good at diving a straight line. Well I didn't have what it took to do it then. How does one do this? And right now god and I are not on very good speaking terms.
We took the tractor back to the barn. She decided she wanted to ride her "horsey", her "horsey" is a 5 year old, Percheron a draft horse, 17 and a half hands, and weighing in at a svelte 2000 pounds. She wanted to ride, she knows something funky is going on, and I certainly wasn't going to deny her any and every one of he wishes. Hell, I couldn't do anything else right. So we saddled up and went out into the Stillwaters, these are the mountains that surround us, they are not real mountains like the Rockies, but they are what we got.
So out we go, at the begining of the ride I get asked why is everyone so sad, as we got to drive the tractor and go on "horsey". So the pisser of it is, is that about 40 minutes into the ride we find two bummer lambs, well, lambing season is over, and these puppies are about 45 days to late, and I can't find their mother, yet they haven't become coyote bait, nor have the become mountain lion snacks, as they should have been. And mother nature being as it should, should have not let these lambs survive. It is the nature of the beast, and the law of the land is an unforgiving mistress, only the strong survive. So now I have a grandaughter who wants the lambs, We have no wet nursing sheep, and I have to make the call. Well needless to say, the lambs get strapped on to "horsey", because "horsey" can to everything, so says the almost 4 year old expert on anything and everything.
So at that point in time I decide it it is time to tell her why everyone is so sad. I tell her that her "babies" aren't going to come home, that they just weren't strong enough to live. And that they have died and gone to heaven, up in the clouds. She understands death and dying as do most farm/ranch kids. She takes it all in, and then said "why did god not let my "babies" come home. Who the **** can answer that question? Certainly a bigger, better, more unforgiving person then I. Like I said, god and I are not on very good terms right now. My only response was that we found to lambs that shouldn't be here. And she, in her infinite wisdom, said I'd trade the lambs for my "babies" So would I.
For those of you who have expressed your feelings, I thank you, although, your words bring little comfort, I am MAD, I am ANGRY, my children did not deserve this, they are way to young to have to bear up to this, and I, who am suppossed to fix things, have failed them. Will they trust me again? Will they believe me again? I hope so. I doubt it.
