Where to Retire ???

I seldom post these things, but this hit my funny bone (and I know it home for mare than a few of us) ...
 

RETIRE WHERE ???


You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where --- 
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because  you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.  
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 
5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU F---KIDDING ME ??? !!! 
 
OR
 
You can retire to California where ---  
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 
3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 
5.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
 
OR
 
You can retire to New York City where ---
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that you mean Manhattan.    
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.  
3. You think Central Park is "nature."  
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 
5. You've worn out a car horn. (if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
 
OR
 
You can retire to Minnesota where ---  
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.  
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.  
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.  
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.  
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and I-can't-feel-my-face.
 
  OR
   
You can retire to the Deep South where ---  
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.  
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.  
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 
4. Everyone has 2 first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder," or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference.
 
OR
  You can retire to Colorado where ---
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center to pick up the kid.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 
OR
 
You can retire to Midwest where ---
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
 
 
OR
 
You can retire to Florida where ---
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --- even houses and cars. 
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 
 
You decide ... Me: Headed from NE to PBI later today ... sadly not for long :)

Terrific-----------loved 'em all y'all.  The other day when driving home from the dermotologist at 3:00 PM I was behind one of those headless drivers.  Can't imagine how she saw where she was going.  But she whipped into The Outback for the early bird special.  Saw her slam on the brakes and jumb out, coupon in hand, to be first in line.  Nothing like Florida I tell ya !!!!
 

The  Midwest sounds a lot like Pittston.

Joe---Pittston is the midwest.  East of the Hudson River is EAST.
West of the Rockies is West and everything inbetween is the MIDWEST.  Except the south which is the SOUTH. 
 
Someday I will have to visit Pittston just to see if your just kiddin us.

the ancient mariner

Someday I will have to visit Pittston just to see if your just kiddin us.

 
Let me know in advance and I'll get you a day pass.  We don't like strangers poking around

joerogo

the ancient mariner

Someday I will have to visit Pittston just to see if your just kiddin us.

Let me know in advance and I'll get you a day pass.  We don't like strangers poking around

 Joe...do you play the banjo?

Tony Bad

joerogo

the ancient mariner

Someday I will have to visit Pittston just to see if your just kiddin us.

Let me know in advance and I'll get you a day pass.  We don't like strangers poking around

Joe...do you play the banjo?

Plus, this river don't go down to no Aintree!

WhereGreggEats:  Your retirement analogy was pretty much spot on, particularly the south where I reside.  Very humourous.
 
I think I am pretty much where I am gonna retire.  Everything I want is here.  A grocery store close, a liquor store close, a drug store close and a gas station close (PILOT).  In addition, everything I enjoy doing is right here at my house.  Lotsa TV's, a garden, the Tennessee River, a boat dock, privacy and all my family within a few houses, Mamaw Smith who cans and freezes a whole lot of food.
 
I ain't moving.
 
Paul E. Smith
Knoxville, TN

Watch yourself Chewy----you are a Mason-Dixon type guy.  Y'all kent
meke fun of either side. 

I will testify to the California behavior of talking distance to someplace being described in terms of how long it will take to get there...not the physical distance !!
 
With that as a start, I'd accept that most of the others are accurate as well.

wheregreggeats.com

RETIRE WHERE ???

You can retire to Minnesota where ---  
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and I-can't-feel-my-face.

Yah, you betcha, but it's not cold enough. I'm driving 500 miles due north to Winnipeg, Manitoba this Sunday for some R & R.

thanks for leaving us out. we already have too many.

thanks for leaving us out. we already have too many.

<<Terrific-----------loved 'em all y'all.  The other day when driving home from the dermotologist at 3:00 PM I was behind one of those headless drivers.  Can't imagine how she saw where she was going.  But she whipped into The Outback for the early bird special.  Saw her slam on the brakes and jumb out, coupon in hand, to be first in line.  Nothing like Florida I tell ya !!!!>>
 
Don't forget that she had her left directional on the whole time... 

Bill
My sister and her family moved to Oregon (Canby) over forty years ago from SoCal, and are still labeled "Those Damn Californians" by the few people in town who have been there longer than that !!
 
Jan and I were in the process of buying land between St George and Cedar City. Utah for our retirement home when circumstances altered our plans and made Southern Indiana our final choice. Since that time, 1999, the area from Mesquite, Nevada to Cedar City, Utah has exploded with 'retired folks' moving in, mainly from SoCal. A couple of my long-term Utah-resident friends sound a lot like you when talking of the changes rapid growth have brought to the area.
 
 Even here in the relatively slow-growing Ohio Valley, a decade of living has not altered our visability to locals as "Those Californians", Although they seem to be more curious about our 'habits' rather than hostile about our 'invasion'. Example- My neighbors think it is funny as hell that we go to the Moonlite BBQ once or twice a month for dinner. It is 99 miles each way from our home to the restaurant. One of my neighbors has NEVER been to Kentucky in her 65 year life...We are 15 miles from the bridge over the Ohio River !!
 
We live in a strange and wonderful Country, and I am constantly amazed at the Similarities of  people despite the regional and cultural differences we find wherever we go !

Yes Ken 8-0-3-8-----you are cleared to land----
-not only did she have the left blinker on and her arm out the window
drying her nails but she was in the passing lane and made a sharp right into the Outback "exit only" driveway.  She cut off a 18 wheeler causing
the driver to hit the brake and spill the coffee he was drinking all over the road map he was reading.  

You haven't lived til you have been behind a 'Headless Senior' in a big pick-up truck (for 5 miles) following a 10 row CornPicker-Tractor being driven thru town by the Headless Senior's 10 year old Grandson!!! 

My tummy hurts from laughing!  Thank you for the morning pick me up.

mayor al


You haven't lived til you have been behind a 'Headless Senior' in a big pick-up truck (for 5 miles) following a 10 row CornPicker-Tractor being driven thru town by the Headless Senior's 10 year old Grandson!!! 

 
I lived in San Angelo,TX from 1980-1982 and around there they were referred to as a "hat and knuckles" driver as all you could see in the Lincoln Continental was a cowboy hat and 10 knuckles.

Did anyone see Andrew Zimmern in NEPA last night?  I'm beginning to consider banjo lessons
 
I don't know where he got his info on our area, but his first stop was in Mountaintop(sorry Mosca)to catch some snapping turtles and make soup.  Then his second stop was in Shickshinny(sorry Tony)at a place call the Redneck Ranch to kill a pig and make scrapple.
 
Not the NEPA that I know, but it did look like fun

You sure that wasn't NE-PAL ???

Some Add-on's for AZ

1. In Summer, You drive wearing Oven Mitts!
2. People wear Tee Shirts with the picture of a Cowboy Skeleton out in the Desert. The Caption, "Yeh, but it's a dry heat"
3. You put blocks of ice in your swimming pool in the summer to cool it down. (TRUE!)
4. Dogs wear foot protectors.
5. If you have artificial grass and walk on it in your bare feet, you'll get 3rd degree burns.
6. People who put oil on their face and ears end up with Deep Fried Lips and Lobes!
7. When direct sunlight hits a cold can of beer, it takes exactky 22 seconds to boil!
8. If you get out of your pool at midnight after skinny dipping, you don't need a towel to dry off. The water will evaporate off your body so fast that you'll actually get goose bumps and a chill. Been there, done that!
9. When cooking a steak on the grill, you don't need to start a fire!
10. AND FINALLY, You can buy an old used car at the Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction in Scottsdale for only $1.3 Million Dollars!

joerogo


Did anyone see Andrew Zimmern in NEPA last night?  I'm beginning to consider banjo lessons

I don't know where he got his info on our area, but his first stop was in Mountaintop(sorry Mosca)to catch some snapping turtles and make soup.  Then his second stop was in Shickshinny(sorry Tony)at a place call the Redneck Ranch to kill a pig and make scrapple.

Not the NEPA that I know, but it did look like fun

I'm from Western PA and that's not the PA I know. We make Venison Sausage and the first day of deer season, everything, schools, businesses etc is closed except the bars.

Speaking of Texas and Arizona and Cowboy Hats----is there a special ceremony, domething like confirmation, where a male gets a cowboy hat
permanently attached to his head?  Do they wear them in the shower and to bed?  
 
There is a place I stop by when in the neighborhood, which is whenever I feel the thirst coming on me, that has Country Western music
on the weekends.   It seems that on those nights some males wander in with cowboy hats on.  Most of these guys have not been west of West Orange,  New Jersey.  But they never remove those hats----out on the dance floor, eat, drink, head for the men's room----whatever. 
 
I remember an Errol Flynn movie called "They Died With Their Boots On",
do these 21st century cowboys die with their hats on?
 

the ancient mariner


Speaking of Texas and Arizona and Cowboy Hats----is there a special ceremony, domething like confirmation, where a male gets a cowboy hat
permanently attached to his head?  Do they wear them in the shower and to bed?  

There is a place I stop by when in the neighborhood, which is whenever I feel the thirst coming on me, that has Country Western music
on the weekends.   It seems that on those nights some males wander in with cowboy hats on.  Most of these guys have not been west of West Orange,  New Jersey.  But they never remove those hats----out on the dance floor, eat, drink, head for the men's room----whatever. 

I remember an Errol Flynn movie called "They Died With Their Boots On",
do these 21st century cowboys die with their hats on?

You need various cowboy hats. a Straw one for going to Rodeos. A good felt one for Boot Scootin', AKA Dancin'. A beat up old one for Fishin'. Cowgirls size up cowboys based on how much they spent on their Boot Scootin' hats. They can get pricey!
http://www.sheplers.com/promo/stetson_4x_hats/

Foodbme

joerogo


Did anyone see Andrew Zimmern in NEPA last night?  I'm beginning to consider banjo lessons

I don't know where he got his info on our area, but his first stop was in Mountaintop(sorry Mosca)to catch some snapping turtles and make soup.  Then his second stop was in Shickshinny(sorry Tony)at a place call the Redneck Ranch to kill a pig and make scrapple.

Not the NEPA that I know, but it did look like fun

I'm from Western PA and that's not the PA I know. We make Venison Sausage and the first day of deer season, everything, schools, businesses etc is closed except the bars.

Hate to disappoint you but you could say that for Eastern PA too. I had an architectural project underway in Conshohocken, PA outside of Philadelphia. I flew out from Minnesota to do a job observation and found the construction site shut down. No one told me contractors took the first week of deer season off.

Food-Bee-U-----Thank you, sir.  It is a regular science out in the golden west it seems.  Ya probably can get yerself Ay degree in Cowboy Hats from Arizona St. If I could still play football I might even get me a scholarship while learnin' all about those 10 gallon jobs. 
 
Is it true that that cowboy skeleton they found out there in the Arizona desert was Eye-dent-if-fied by his hat and boots ?
 
 

This is a youtube from the Redneck Ranch.

 
Tony, you are off the hook.  It's White Haven not Shickshinny
 
 

the ancient mariner


Food-Bee-U-----Thank you, sir.  It is a regular science out in the golden west it seems.  Ya probably can get yerself Ay degree in Cowboy Hats from Arizona St. If I could still play football I might even get me a scholarship while learnin' all about those 10 gallon jobs. 

Is it true that that cowboy skeleton they found out there in the Arizona desert was Eye-dent-if-fied by his hat and boots ?

They're real Scientific at ASU now. They're trying to figure out how to make electricity out of cow manure. They already figured out how to make Chicken Salad out of Chicken S***! Down at U of A, they're trying to figure out how to win a Bowl Game!
And yes! He was Eye-dent-if-fied by his hat and boots as well as his Six Shooter and his Spurs

joerogo


This is a youtube from the Redneck Ranch.


Tony, you are off the hook.  It's White Haven not Shickshinny

My grandfather had an easier way to butcher:
In the pasture next to the house was a small(8-9 ft) indentation.  The day before buthering my grandfather would line the indentation with flat stones(kept from year to year just for this purpose), lay split wood on top of the rocks with a large supply of more split wood nearby.  Then about midnight the night before he would start the fire, staying up all night to develop a good base of white hot coals.  In the early morning, a large metal tube would be placed on the coals,the tub filled with water, then when the water was just stating to bubble,one of the hogs would be shot inthe head with a 22, bled out, placed in the tube full of water, then after 10 minutes or so, the hog was removed, hung up by is hind legs & all of the hair scrapped off, then the real butchering would begin. 
I am so glad I was able to be there at hog butchering time.