Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor)

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CajunKing
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Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Tue, 11/14/06 2:43 PM
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Take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

PapaJoe8
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Tue, 11/14/06 2:54 PM
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Real funny CK, thanks for posting it! I have read this somewhere before. I know there is a real "burn down the barn" chili recipe. Are the other names taken from real recipes I wonder? Or, have the names been changed to protect the innocent?
Joe

Scorereader
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Tue, 11/14/06 3:20 PM
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I'm having deja vous

ann peeples
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Tue, 11/14/06 4:23 PM
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LOL!!!!!!

signman
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Tue, 11/14/06 9:56 PM
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Haven't seen this in a while. In Europe, they just substitute curry for chili. That version is just as funny.

sizz
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Wed, 11/15/06 12:35 AM
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.................................. lol funny Judge#3 has the same name as me................... Frank

Howdy Doodat
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sat, 11/18/06 4:01 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by cajunking

Take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."



Credit for that COPYRIGHTED essay should go to Bruce Cameron - it has been one of the most plagarised pieces on the internet since he wrote in in 1997. (www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/chilijudge.htm)

Bruce gives people permission to quote any of his pieces freely, asking only that credit lines remain intact. You probably got this without the credits, else I am sure you would have done the right thing. You may remember Bruce as the writer of "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" which was John Ritter's last role.

BTW - I am from Springfield, IL which everyone knows is the "Chilli Capitol of the Civilised Universe".

sizz
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sat, 11/18/06 8:41 PM
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Adjudicator
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sat, 11/18/06 9:06 PM
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Verrrrrrrrry Interesting, Herr Howdy...

roossy90
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 3:54 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Scorereader

I'm having deja vous

I posted this a year ago, and got nothing but a hard time, and they had to lock the thread.
It got very ugly.

Howdy Doodat
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 8:14 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by fpczyz




Actually change the last two into one and then I'd be a wooden headed dummy sitting on a failed actor's lap.

Howdy Doodat
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 8:29 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by roossy90

quote:
Originally posted by Scorereader

I'm having deja vous

I posted this a year ago, and got nothing but a hard time, and they had to lock the thread.
It got very ugly.



I can well imagine. In the current (this one here) version the third judge is from Springfield, IL. Wanna guess where I live? And what I do a lot of week-ends? Here's a hint - I am ICS member D-4027 and CASI member 5340.

sizz
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 1:23 PM
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quote:
Howdy Doodat Posted - 11/19/2006 : 08:29:01 I can well imagine. In the current (this one here) version the third judge is from Springfield, IL. Wanna guess where I live? And what I do a lot of week-ends? Here's a hint - I am ICS member D-4027

My god, Mr. Doodat what are the chances of meeting a member of the ICS (International Cello Society) member D-4027 here on Roadfood.com, I am so glad you are joining us. You will find that most of the contributors to this forum will want to talk about food but you being a certified member of the ICS can change that right now ...............I have a question to ask of you ICS member D-4027 would you happen to know where I can get a copy of the Myaskovsky Sonata No. 2 music (A minor). I love this piece and would like to work at it but to date have been unable to locate a copy.
also this gives me an opportunity to talk music to some one like you who can appreciate the finer things in life ........... for starters....... last night at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts I gave a recital incorporating the Beethoven Magic Flute Variations (one of the works I had studied for my grade A examination), the Bach Suite No. 2, and the Debussy Sonata No 4.
For one of my encores I played my favorite slow movement from a sonata - the Rachmaninoff. I do not think there was a dry eye in the house!
Oh by the way I'm ICS member A-0035 and please don't be discouraged for with a lot of practice on your cello you will be able to change your member #D-4027 to an A status very soon. ...................................... lol

ann peeples
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 1:39 PM
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Wow-sorry to hear this got so ugly the first time around(and hints of becoming the same way this time)I personally thought it was funny and did not at all associate any one of my fellow roadfooders as the 3rd judge.And neither ,I suspect,did cajunking.

PapaJoe8
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 2:39 PM
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Fpc, Scorereader might know the answers to your questions.
Joe

Howdy Doodat
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 2:49 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by fpczyz

quote:
Howdy Doodat Posted - 11/19/2006 : 08:29:01 I can well imagine. In the current (this one here) version the third judge is from Springfield, IL. Wanna guess where I live? And what I do a lot of week-ends? Here's a hint - I am ICS member D-4027

My god, Mr. Doodat what are the chances of meeting a member of the ICS (International Cello Society) member D-4027 here on Roadfood.com, I am so glad you are joining us.



Does your tongue ever get stuck firmly in your cheek??? ICS in my case refers to International Chilli Society ... as CASI refers to Chilli Appreciation Society, International. But, I suspect you know that already.

As to where you can locate the Myaskovsky Sonata No. 2 music (A minor) I'd venture a guess that looking at Sam Goody's won't help. I have no earthly idea where you can find such - or if you are pulling my leg. I listen mostly to straight ahead jazz (America's classical music) and classic rock. In between times I cook chilli.

sizz
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 2:50 PM
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it's all in fun Miss Ann ..........

ann peeples
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Sun, 11/19/06 5:29 PM
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Good to hear...I can never tell with you guys sometimes!!!

CajunKing
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Mon, 11/20/06 12:53 AM
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WOW

Roosy i just went back and found where you had posted that before. I can see why paul locked the topic, things did get down right ugly with a capitol U.

I posted this topic at an attempt to make people smile, not to start a war.

scorereader & PJ8........... yes deja vous it is.



Guess I are jus not civilized enuff

PapaJoe8
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RE: Reactions of a Chili Judge (Adult Humor) - Mon, 11/20/06 11:32 AM
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I have not read that other thread. Whats it called? It just seamed logical to consult Scorereader.

Chili peace has been declaired, even though there was never a war!!! You CAN have peice without a war.

I am usually a judge at our local Tralengua quilifing event, great fun!
Joe