this guy walks into a bar...

lets see how far we can take this cleanly
i can take it real far the other way.

this guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables and orders a beer
the bartender says to the guy
i'll serve you, but just don't start nothing.

A piece of string walks into a bar, hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, Hey! Gimme a drink! The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
 
The string says, I'll show him and contorts its self into a whole different shape, frizzes his hair, goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
 
The bartender says, You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago, and the string says, No. I'm a frayed knot.
 
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up and says, Where did you get that ape?
 
The guy gives him a dirty loook and says, This isn't an ape, it's a duck. The bartender looks back at the guy and says I was talking to the duck.
 

Michael, Michael me thinks  the bitter cold winter has gotten to you----I'm a frayed so. 

And Sk Bob not-with-standing the barkeeps advise me thinks you've started something. 
I hope it continues. 

AAARRR matey.

the ancient mariner


Michael, Michael me thinks  the bitter cold winter has gotten to you----I'm a frayed so. 

Bitter cold? Hell, it got up to the high 30s yesterday. Damned heatwave. Thank God it's back down into the low 20s with the promise of dipping to comfortable temperatures in the single-digits.

Three guys walk into a bar...the fourth one ducks.

A dog limps into the bar and takes a seat, the bar tender asks “what do you need?” The dog replies “I am looking for the guy that shot my paw”

sop that


A dog limps into the bar and takes a seat, the bar tender asks “what do you need?” The dog replies “I am looking for the guy that shot my paw”

the bartender says, he ducked out the back door with three other guys.
the dog says frayed knot, i think i saw him helping a guy jump start his car

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

This hillbilly walks into a b'ar.....
The b'ar eats him.

A horse walks into a bar.....
Barkeep says.. "Hey, why the long face?"..

(Mr.H stole my frayed knot one!)

Ham and Cheese sandwich walks into a bar...
Bartender says,,:HEY, we dont serve food here"!

A guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer, drinks it, and leaves.

A guy near the door says "Hey, how'd ya like them leaves?"


Haha.

(I just made that up. Dumb, huh?)

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Groan.....

A nun, a rabbi and Rush Limbaugh walk in to a bar.

The bartender says:  What is this, a joke?

     Three blondes walk into a bar,   You'd  think ONE of them would have seen it..........

Man walks into a bar, he has a few drinks... The sign on the wall says " $5000" if you can beat the beast! He is curious.. so he has to ask.. The bartender says ..well it's like this.. We have a alligator out back with a bad tooth .. but we are so scared of him  no one can get close, we need you to pull that tooth, then we have Bad Shirley she lives out back and no one has give her a bit of a cuddle in years.. we are all scared.. but first you must drink a 5th of Tequila.. Well he needs the money so he drinks the 5th.. staggers outside.. there is a terrible ruckus.. screaming, cries for help.. boy it does sound awful. So he comes staggering back into the bar and asks ... where is the lady with the bad tooth???

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. He steps up to the bartender and says, "Arrrr, Matey, can I have a drink?" The bartender looks at him and replies, "Uh...yeah, sure, but can I ask you one question first?" The pirate says, "Aye Matey. What it be?" The bartender says, "Did you know that you have a steering wheel down your pants?" And the pirate answers, "Aye Matey, and it's driving me nuts!"  

Mosca, you funny pirate!

Keep it clean, he says.....

A duck walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Got any fudge?"  The bartender says, "Fudge?  This is a bar.  What would I be doing with fudge?  Besides, you're a duck.  Get out of my place!"

The duck leaves, comes back the next day, says to the bartender, "Got any fudge?"  The bartender says, "I told you yesterday I don't have any fudge.  And you're still a damn duck.  Get the hell out of my bar and don't come back!"

The duck leaves, comes back the next day. says to the bartender, "Got any fudge?"  The bartender explodes, "What the hell is the matter with you?  I told you before I don't have any goddam fudge.  If you come back in here again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!  Now get out of here and don't come back!"

The duck leaves, comes back the next day, says to the bartender,  "Got any nails?"  The bartender screams, "No, I ain't got any goddam nails.  What the devil are you talking about?"  The duck says, "Got any fudge?"

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says, sorry we don't serve breakfast.
 
A baby Seal walks into a bar, the bartender says what do you want to drink, the seal says anything but Canadian Club!

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
.
The second one says, "The same for me."
.
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
.
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite.   Anything else we can get ya?"

A regular customer to his neighborhood bar, the doctor always ordered the same thing- a walnut daiquiri.

When he ordered it this time, the barkeep looked in the bowl of nuts, but he found he had no walnuts, but he had some hickory nuts.  He turned to the doctor and asked, "How about a hickory daiquiri Doc?"

Hickory Daiquiri, Doc ??? Oh I get it !!!!

Gentleman walks up to the bar and says
"Straight Bourbon My Good Man, and see what the other lads at the bar will have, and you have one yourself". 

Everyone drinks up and the Gentleman says
"That was great why don't we all have another
round, and don't forget yourself my good man." 
And they all raise their glasses and down the hatch.

Now the Gentleman says' Wonerful, lets--
but the bartender interrupts "Saying, I'm sorry sir but you've run up quite a tab and I'd like to see some money first".

"But," says the gentleman "I have not money."

The bartender leaps over the bar grabs the Gentleman and throws him out into the street.

A few seconds later the door opens and in walks the gentleman, dusting himself off.  He walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a straight bourbon, hic---see what the other lads at the bar will have, hic---but none for you bartender---hic --you get nasty when you drink".




 

Fella sittin at a bar is tapped on the shoulder by his neighbor----"Hey Bud I think you've wet your
pants".  "Oh, Thank God, I thought I spilled me drink". 

Three leaders of the big beer companies walk into a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Miller's. When it is Guinness' turn to order, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah." Guinness replies. "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

nice one Mosca, I laughed

Descartes is sitting at the back of a Parisian cafe wearing a black turtle neck and smoking endless Gauloises.
Waiter: "What can I get you , Sir"
Descartes: "Coffee, strong."
Waiter: "Would Sir like any milk in that?"
Descartes: "I think not"
Descartes vanishes in a puff of logic.